Dear all,
今天，我要跟過去的自己告別，揮別那個猶疑不定、常為了沒有期待的愛情神傷的自己；與那個把未來完全寄託在情人身上、沒出息的自己道別。因為我知道，我的神告訴我，祂希望我能勇敢地走自己的路，祂要我做自己。
謝謝你們一直以來的陪伴，我已經沒事了。在我最孤獨、最傷心的時候，還好有你們。謝謝我親愛的家人，在我一身是傷、身心俱疲的回到台灣，溫暖的張開雙手、提供一個讓我躲起來療傷哭泣的避風港；謝謝我親愛的朋友，在我的情緒高低擺盪、不知如何是好時，始終陪伴著我。被我煩到不行的小賴教主曾經軟硬兼施地告訴我，不要再這麼沒出息了，該放下的就要放下，不屬於自己的愛情就不要強求；遠在千里的蓬頭知道我的懦弱，但她仍犀利而堅定地告訴我，這些傷、這些痛都是我自找的，她不會可憐我，我只能自己走出來。除了她倆，所有愛我的朋友，阿姐、蕙茹、詩思、映嘉、小胖、米A、Dorissa大姊、小櫻、貴婦小君、我的小姑姑美和、許久許久不見的新煜、還有未曾謀面的飛鵬以及跟我有如命運雙胞胎的相宇.....以及教會姊妹們，謝謝你們，你們讓我知道自己並不寂寞，並對未知的將來仍抱有期望，瞭解沒有了這段愛情，我的人生還是很豐富有趣，因為我有你們。感謝 神，讓我遇見了你們。
以前總是很厭惡自己對已逝愛情的留戀與不捨，老愛扒開傷口去看到底是出了什麼問題，要不然就是手癢地灑點藥、在傷口上東翻西攪，每次觸碰都疼得不能自己。更因為放不下、走不開、不甘心、不放手，讓我仍希望能將這段已經發餿了的愛情炒熱端上桌，但是，原本的味道已經變了，原料食材也都不新鮮了，加了再多的調味料，怎能遮掩的住呢？
親愛的朋友，謝謝你們，劃地自限的我，現在決定放自己自由，也放他自由。放下，才能繼續往前走。對這段愛情沒有期待的他被我拖著在這個沒有出口的愛情迷宮中遊走，也夠可憐的了。如果你們認識在地球另一端的他，請你們好好對待他吧！因為在愛情裡，本來就沒有所謂的對與錯，我們只是擁有一個開始太過不完美、導致未來也修補不了的愛情。在此時此刻，我忽然想起三年半前剛與他在一起時的自己，眼神晶亮地對他說的話：「無論這段愛情的結果是什麼，我都要把它當作是一段學習，一個修行，希望自己能從中得到成長。」想到這裡，回首過去，我已沒有遺憾。
過去的一切，都將成為我生命中的一個印記，無須遮掩、無須抹去，因為這都會成為一個回憶，我知道自己會記得的只有過去的笑顏與笑語；而未來，在我腳下，我會盡我所能地去認真活著，不管我會在哪裡停留，我知道自己會好好的，因為我有我的神，我還有你們，最最親愛的你們。
分手的有限期限 (曾維瑜)
大寶
ReplyDelete你終於相信老人家的話是沒有錯的了
老爸說
你想去哪兒就去哪兒
沒有獎學金也無妨
我們支持你啦
姨也說你有任何決定我們就是該挺你的啦
所以加油了
其實我擔憂的一是你的身體健康一是環境能否適應
很多事情是開不得玩笑要步步為營的
小心啊
感謝神，祂親自對你說話，仰望神，定睛在神身上，相信祂的帶領。
ReplyDeleteBe brave and live a new life. I am supportive as your friend.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, the truth should never be told. I am sorry that I might be telling a truth that is of this kind. I thought and still think that I can afford it not being told, because my feelings numbed in these years could just remain un-expressed, and un-heard. Today, something suddenly made me think that I could ask for your permission to write my “say good-bye” article here... and here it goes...
Reading your article, my feelings were brought back to the days when I fell so hard to recall now. The true feeling at that time came back to me as strongly as before, but no matter how hard I try, I can only express ten percent of it. It was a time, when I couldn’t feel anything, and didn’t see the meaning of tomorrow, the meaning of hope, or the meaning of reality. I felt I was thrown in the darkness, endlessly. I looked. I called. No use. The world is empty. I felt I was in the center of the void of darkness; I couldn’t reach, and couldn’t know where I was. To go out, was impossible. At that time, I did whatever you wanted, because I had given up trying otherwise. It began after our first few months. In that short time, I had gradually come to the edge of insanity. I was about to lose control of myself. The relation wasn’t what I could ever bear to live in. When I had come to my dangerous limit of endurance, I did try to get out. I had thought that one step, one truth told, would set me free, would get me out. But I was too naive. Every time when I got to express, in one way or another, that I needed a way out, I was putting all hopes of my sanity and life on that attempt. I was too fragile, too unprepared and too helpless to afford a failure, or even a decay or wait of one more day. I gave too little time to myself, and much to you. I always said “OK, let’s wait until then.” After that, I didn’t remember anything. I died, right after it. My memory became strangely weak. In the 2 years that followed, I tried 3 or 4 times, but I didn’t remember then that I had ever tried at all, or I had a chance to step out. I didn’t care what in the next 10 years would come to me. I even believed I wouldn’t live that long. Life appeared eternal darkness. I sometimes came across some light in the dark, but could not reach for it... The reality I lived in appeared so unreal that I stopped taking it as reality. Who could save me? I didn’t care. No one.
I could have lived like that for the rest of my life. Now I am still unsure why and how I have gradually come back. I am grateful that in one day of my life, I survived and reflected, and knew, how valuable a life is, and how uneasy I have gained it back. Today, I also, say good bye to the past. It is really passed, I hope, though things will never be the same again. It’s fair for me, to live in its aftermath. I should learn.